Feel Like Listening Instead?
Something to listen to while you make tea, fold laundry, or pause for a moment.
This is the first in a quiet series exploring mindset shifts that have shaped how I move through seasons of life.
A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to ask for a raise at a company I had been working at for a few months. I had two previous jobs I’d been at for about two years each. One was at a nonprofit, so we didn’t really have meaningful increases. The other was corporate, which meant we all had the same tiny raises that barely accounted for inflation.
Now I was at a start-up, already making way more than I had at my previous jobs. In my head, I thought, “What do I even ask for?” And then I thought…if I had a friend in this same situation, what would I tell them? It would definitely not be to settle and remain where they were, especially if there was an opportunity to be in a better financial position. So, why was I okay telling myself that?
That’s when this mindset shift solidified for me. We do our best to treat our friends with respect, be kind to them, and want the best for them. However, when we look at how we treat ourselves, we can easily talk down to ourselves, be harsh, and settle for just good enough.
I think women are especially prone to this, but it applies more broadly: we often treat our friends better than we treat ourselves. The question that helped shift things was, “What would I tell my friend?”
Here are two instances where this shift has steadied me:
Guilt
Being a middle child—or the “responsible one,” as a friend recently reframed it—I’ve always been the person my mom turned to when she needed to get things done. As I got older and busier with college, I didn’t have the luxury of completing my mom’s requests at the exact time she needed them. At the time, that filled me with so much guilt. My mom had been through so much and been there for us, and I couldn’t do this one thing for her?
And then one day it finally happened: I said no to my mom, and it felt like something out of an Indian drama. For context, saying no can feel like talking back to your Punjabi parents, no matter how old you are. First, she thought she misheard me and laughed it off. Then she stopped smiling when it registered. Finally, she said, “Manpreet, you’ve changed.”
I laugh at this story now, but in the moment, that was a big step for me. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was employing the mindset shift of “What would I tell my friend?” when I was feeling guilty about saying no.
“Even though she’s your mom and you want to repay her for all she’s done, you’re still human, and it’s okay to put yourself first. You’re growing up, and you have more responsibilities now. Also, just because you said no doesn’t mean you’re not willing to help. This doesn’t cancel out how much you love or respect her. It means exactly what you said: you can’t get to it now, but you will. If she’s not okay with that, that’s something she needs to communicate with you. You’re not doing anything wrong by saying no.”
Self-Doubt
I have grown a lot in this department. I have gained so much confidence in who I am, what I stand for (and don’t stand for), and how I want to lead my life. But self-doubt still resurfaces occasionally.
When I decided to move forward with launching Roohm, I knew that social media would be a big component of raising awareness and creating this space. That terrified me. I was never “good” at social media. I had the habit of posting consistently for a couple of weeks and then disappearing for over a year.
This mindset shift helps keep me focused and moving forward.
Here’s what I would tell my friend (and actually have told a couple of friends who have gotten into posting as well):
“It’s not natural to talk to an inanimate object, but it helps to reframe it. Instead of imagining an audience, imagine a conversation. Think of it like you’re FaceTiming me and telling me about something you care about. Metrics matter for business, but they aren’t the reason to begin. What matters first is clarity. It’s easy to get caught up in editing, niches, trends, or whether it’s ‘good enough.’ The work becomes steadier when it feels personal. When it sounds like you. The rest usually follows.”
There are other emotional states where this mindset shift comes in handy: when you feel like you’re spiraling, dealing with the unknown, or navigating transition periods of life.
It’s not a solution, but it can provide clarity until you’re ready to move toward one.
What would you tell your friend right now?