Feel Like Listening Instead?
Something to listen to while you make tea, fold laundry, or pause for a moment.
When my mom needs something done, I’m the first call.
When something needs to be planned, I pull up my Google Sheets.
When there’s a wedding or trip happening, I’m asked what the schedule is.
And I am happy to be the organized, reliable person who appears to “have it all together.” It has become a part of my identity and something I quietly take pride in.
When I need something, though, I can’t seem to turn to anyone. Instead I give the “I’m fine” response. Not for a lack of people who are there for me, but because I carry this idea that it’s my responsibility to take care of everyone else, and still have it all together myself. Inevitably, that leads to overwhelm and burn out.
Most of this is self-imposed. But I’m realizing part of it is learned, shaped by our parents’ generation, especially my mom. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, she has always had to be strong for us and in our eyes always seemed to “have it together.” A part of me felt that if my mom could come to a different country and build a life from nothing, why couldn’t I keep it together? My life isn’t as hard as hers was.
And that’s where my mistake was, comparing my life to someone else’s.
I’ve seen the idea of “being a villager” come up often, how we all want a village, but don’t always know how to be a villager. I realized I’ve been doing the opposite. I know how to give. I know how to show up. But I don’t always know how to receive. This has become part of my mindfulness work: finding the balance between being the go-to person and actually going to my own people.
There’s a quiet strength in being vulnerable, letting someone see you in the in-between states, and feeling the weight lift when you realize you don’t have to do life alone. Lately, I’ve been trying to move through this differently.
Understanding My Limits
The first shift for me was understanding my own limits. I have felt alone even when surrounded by friends and family. I have felt not heard. I have experienced burn out.
When we moved back home to the Midwest after spending four years in the Southwest, I decided enough was enough. Being away from family only furthered my stubbornness with asking for help because there was only one person I could ask, my husband, and although he would’ve helped, I didn’t want to feel like a burden with everything he had going on in medical school.
I’m learning that asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak or incapable of accomplishing something. I don’t view other people like that when they ask for help, so why do I see myself in that way? It is actually a show of strength to be vulnerable and let your people in.
Learning to Say No (& Being Okay With It)
It’s okay to feel inconvenienced from time-to-time to help someone out or go to an event when you’re not in the mood, but I’ve learned that I can’t say yes every time. This has been an especially hard lesson to learn being a part of the Punjabi culture as saying no can be taken as a sign of disrespect.
When I was younger I would go to every event our family was invited to, even if I didn’t know the people, because it was the “right” thing to do. Now, if I’m especially busy with work or just tired I’ll either stop by and leave early, or decide to not go at all (this was such a new concept for me).
I’m learning that saying no isn’t disrespect. It’s a way of understanding my limits, of protecting something quieter.
Figuring Out How to Ask for Help
I find a lot of joy from helping others and being there for them, so why don’t I give other people the chance to feel that joy by allowing them to help me? Does that make me selfish?
I’m learning to start small like asking for help unloading groceries, taking out the trash if I’m busy that day, or asking someone else to make lunch / dinner for me (this one has been the hardest…still working on it to be honest). Reframing has also been a helpful exercise in these situations, specifically ‘what would I tell my friend’?
When my mom needs something done, I’ll be there.
When something needs to be planned, the Google Sheets will be ready.
When there’s a wedding or trip happening, I’ll answer the questions.
And when I need something, I’m learning to ask as well.
There’s no such thing as “having it all together.” But we can each define our own version, and take quiet pride in it.
Where in your life are you giving easily but finding it harder to receive?